


Just (Not) Happy

by screamingatstars



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I promise, Kid Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Kid Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Kid Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Logan is dead from the start, Morality | Patton Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani Are Siblings, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Morality | Patton Sanders, Will include:, no other characters will die, please be safe everyone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-01-21 08:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21296426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamingatstars/pseuds/screamingatstars
Summary: Patton is an extremely stressed single father trying to raise his three sons. And even though he has a supportive brother and amazing friends, he thinks he has to handle everything alone. After all, he’s the happy, helpful one here. Soon, Patton is going to learn the hard way what happens when you try and bottle up your stress and sadness- but he’ll also learn just how much he is loved.
Relationships: Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Past Logicality
Comments: 19
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

Patton was literally doing three things at once, and he was far past the end of his rope.

He was cooking dinner for his three children, first of all. A task made none the easier by Virgil’s gluten intolerance and the twins’ lactose intolerance. He had to either make something that miraculously contained neither milk nor wheat, or cook two entirely separate dinners. Either way, it was no easy feat. 

Secondly, he was trying to keep an eye on his kids as they played in the yard. Remus had a habit of trying to whack Roman on the head with whatever blunt instrument happened to be nearby, and Patton really didn’t need to deal with a concussed child right now. Not to mention Virgil’s tendency to forget they were there and let them wander off, even when he was technically supposed to be watching them.

Third, he was talking to his brother Emile on the phone.

“Yeah… uh huh…” he said vaguely, only half listening to what Emile was saying. Something about how one of his patients was refusing to even hear any cartoon references. The pot was almost boiling, and the boys were all chasing each other around the yard. 

“...even listening, are you?” Patton tuned back in just in time to pick up on his brother’s knowing words. He winced.

“Sorry, Em, I’m really trying to listen here,” he said. Looking back to dinner, he transferred the phone to his shoulder so he could use both his hands. He poured ingredients into the water, and glanced out the kitchen window again. “I would never ignore you on purpose, you know that, right?”

“What? Of course I know that,” said Emile confusedly. “Patton, are you okay? If you’re busy right now I can call later.”

“No, no, I’m just fine!” He forced a laugh that even he could tell sounded fake. “Just a tad distracted. The boys and all, you know how my kiddos get…” he trailed off as he looked out the window for said kiddos and didn’t see them.

Not again…

“Boys!” Patton cried as he raced out the back door. He frantically looked right, then left, then right again. No sign of them. His heart practically flew out of his chest, then, when he sighted a small glimpse of purple huddled under the backyard tree.

“Virgil!”

At the sound of his name, the teen looked up. He had his headphones over his ears, but no music blasted from them. That probably meant that he had been having a panic attack. 

“Hey, Dad,” replied Virgil. His voice was a little shaky, but at least he wasn’t having an attack at the moment. Patton allowed himself a small sigh of relief. It was immediately followed and drowned, however, by a wave of guilt that he somehow hadn’t noticed his son’s anxiety building.

“Hey, shadowling,” Patton said. He gently reached out his free hand and laid it on his son’s shoulder. “Do you need some space right now?”

Virgil sighed and nodded, fiddling with his long sleeves. Patton really needed to make sure he stopped wearing long sleeves and hoodies in summer...

“Patton? What’s going on? Is everything okay?” 

His heart skipped a beat and he nearly dropped the phone. He had completely forgotten about Emile on the line. Even though his brother lived across the neighborhood and couldn’t possibly see him, Patton tried to smile anyway.

“Yep, totally pun-derful,” he lied as he stepped away from his eldest son and began looking around for his twins. They liked to climb the tree sometimes-

Sure enough, a quick glance into the branches revealed two blots of color concealed there. The red one was much lower down than the green one, though they were both up much higher than Patton was comfortable with.

“Roman! Remus!” He called. “Would you please come down from there?”

“Never!” yelled Roman defiantly. “We shall never surrender our fortress!” As if to prove his point, he hugged his arms around the tree trunk and stuck his tongue out at his father. 

One stubborn son aside, Patton couldn’t even tell if Remus had heard him all the way up there.

“Okay, my little prince,” he said to Roman, trying to keep his voice calm even while his breathing became more erratic. His younger sons were much too high up, and Remus was only getting higher. “You don’t have to surrender your mighty fortress. Just come down a little lower, you know how Dad feels about you and Remus climbing the tree.”

Roman pouted. “But it’s no fun down low!” 

Patton couldn’t even think of anything upbeat or funny to say. “Tell your brother to come down, please. We’ll go to the park tomorrow if you want,” he tried. He knew how much the twins loved the park.

Sure enough, his bribe worked. Roman perked up and scuttled up the tree a bit further to yell up to Remus, and then the two of them both started down. Patton breathed another sigh of relief, his heart finally slowing down. He stayed beneath the tree, just to make sure they got down in one piece.

“...Patton, I think now might not be the best time. It sounds like you’ve got your hands full.”

“No, really, it’s fine, I’m fine!” He insisted. “A couple of silly boys is nothing I can’t handle!” He turned to head back inside after checking to make sure Virgil was still okay.

“But you don’t have a couple, you have three,” insisted Emile. “Are you sure you’re doing okay? You sound really stressed… and taking care of them all on your own-“

“Please don’t,” Patton whispered. He stopped and sat down heavily on the porch. 

“I’m sorry.”

An uncomfortable silence. Patton curled his knees to his chest as he leaned against the house wall. He was fine. Fine. He could handle all this. He didn’t need to be reminded of Logan right now was all. Not with the boys and…

“Stars!” He cried, scrambling to his feet and lunging for the back door. 

“What? What happened?” 

“I forgot about dinner!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....does anyone still remember or care about this fic? Because it’s back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone, I know it’s been a long time. The reason this took so long is because I was never happy with the original second chapter, and I realized I didn’t like the plot element I introduced in it (if you’re reading this for the first time, I’m not going to say what it was, because it is no longer a part of the story). I basically wrote myself into a corner with it. I’ve completely reworked this second chapter, and it’s taking the story in a different direction, so I’m sorry for any confusion/inconvenience. But over the past few months, I’ve plotted out this entire story chapter by chapter, so I know what I’m doing now. 
> 
> If any of you read this way back when and are still here, all I can say is thank you. This story is important to me, and I’m happy to be back and working on it again.

After coaxing two reluctant twins to choke down a half-burned dinner, and triple-checking to make sure that Virgil took his meds, Patton sent them all up to bed- or, at least, he tried to.

“Okay, kiddos, time to sleep now,” he chorused, silently begging them to listen. “Let’s all get some rest, tomorrow’s a brand new day!” He stood for a moment, a wide smile frozen on his face. He glanced hopefully across the table from one boy to the other.

Almost in unison, the twins groaned.

“But I wanna go climb the tree again!” Whined Roman.

“And I wanna poke the ant mound I saw earlier!” piped Remus. Patton shook his head vigorously.

“No, boys, it’s time for bed now. You can climb all the trees you want when we go to the park tomorrow.”

“But I don’t wanna!” They both protested.

“Well, then how about you just go put on your pjs? Do you think you could do that for Dad, little princes?” He was struggling to hold it together, on the verge of just giving up and letting his children live wild on their own.

“No!” Two little voices chimed at once.

And around and around they went, the twins refusing to even leave the table. Amidst the cyclical pleading, Virgil silently slipped up the stairs. Patton barely had time to notice before Remus took advantage of the distraction, jumping up and sprinting out the back door in a green blur. Frantic, he leaped up, nearly knocking over his chair in his rush to pursue his middle son.

“Remus, no!”

For an eight-year-old, his son was incredibly fast. By the time Patton got out the door, Remus was already hoisting himself up into the tree again. 

“Remus Duke Sanders, get down from there right now!” He yelled, racing across the yard to stand under the tree for the second time that day.

“No! I don’t wanna sleep! I’m going to live in the tree and throw acorns at Roman!” Remus stuck his tongue out at him before continuing his ascent.

Helpless, Patton turned to look back into the house and saw Roman, his little face pressed up against the glass of the back door, rapt with interest. 

_ Well, at least he’s staying inside for now _ , he thought ruefully.

He tilted his head back to look up at Remus, who was now almost thirty feet up in the air. If Patton didn’t go up and get him, he knew that his son would make good on his promise to live up there- at least until it got cold. But Patton had zero intentions of letting that happen. Sighing, he moved to untie his cardigan from his shoulders, intending to follow Remus up the tree and not wanting it to get dirty.

Instead, he felt the blood drain from his face and his hands tremble as he removed the garment. He held it clenched in his hands, unable to look away from it. His heart was racing, and suddenly breathing was a struggle- and not just because of his binder restricting his chest. 

The cardigan was his lifeline. His anchor. He couldn’t let go of it… but he had to, he couldn’t let anything happen to it...

A hand reached out and took his own. Through gathering tears, he could see Virgil, his hood down, uncharacteristically somber as he looked at him.

“It’s okay, Dad,” he said quietly. “You can put it back on now.”

Patton shook his head and sniffed, trying to be strong.

“No, Virgil, he’s up there, I need to-“

Remus landed next to him, cutting him off mid-sentence. He looked up at him, small face frightened, as he tentatively reached out and hugged Patton’s leg. He didn’t speak. 

When Patton still didn’t move, Virgil took the cardigan from his arms as gently as if he were handling a newborn. He carefully, ever so carefully, retied it around his father’s shoulders. 

A moment passed, with the three of them sharing some unspoken communication. And then Remus ran inside, and Roman met him at the door before joining him up the stairs. Virgil pulled his hood up and followed, after one last look at his shaken dad.

And Patton sat on the ground, clutching the knotted sleeves of the cardigan, silent tears coursing down his cheeks. The memories were coming back, assaulting his mind with the reminders of just how alone he was now…

Without Logan.

—-

The day he had been given this cardigan was one of the best days of Patton’s life. It was sunny outside, his favorite weather. The temperature was perfect, and the air felt pleasantly humid. He’d been so excited to go on a date with Logan, who by then was his boyfriend of almost six months.

They’d enjoyed a picnic in the park, spending hours talking, until the sky was turning orange and they realized it was getting late. After packing everything up and starting the walk back to Patton’s house, the conversation had started up again, just as before. 

Whenever Logan was around, Patton didn’t even know what boredom was. Time barely existed, and the peering eyes of other people didn’t bother him nearly as much, because he could get lost in Logan’s instead. The walk home was the same: he didn’t notice any of the people who passed them, and his cheeks were almost hurting from how much he was smiling.

They’d arrived at his house, the windows dark and the driveway empty. Patton’s parents and brother hadn’t come home yet. Logan had taken his hand as they stood on the porch, both of them nervous but happy, still under the spell of the magical day they’d spent together. The sun was almost all the way down by then, cooling the air, with just enough light for them to see each other’s faces by, and that had made them both brave.

Logan had removed the simple gray cardigan he was wearing and carefully draped it over Patton’s shoulders, hands light as he loosely wrapped the sleeves around each other. He watched Patton’s expression the whole time, like he was worried or waiting for him to push him away. Patton didn’t.

By the time he finished with the sleeves, they were both blushing, standing only a few inches apart. It had been Patton who leaned in, and that was the moment they had their first kiss.

After that day, the cardigan became precious. It was the item Patton wrapped himself in for comfort any time he was especially lonely, or dysphoric, or stressed. Logan’s scent- vaguely reminiscent of crisp paper and coffee- never seemed to fade from it, and it was the next best thing to Logan’s embrace. He never went on any long trip without it, and he would end up taking it with him to college and beyond. He had even considered wearing it to his and Logan’s wedding.

And then, in a single day, everything changed forever, and suddenly what was formerly every-once-in-a-while became every day, no exceptions. 

The cardigan’s approximation was all he had.

———-

When he was finally able to summon enough strength to go back inside, the house was dark and his breaths were coming in short gasps, and he shook his head to himself. He really should’ve taken his binder off hours ago, but amidst all the fuss of that evening he just hadn’t had the time. He flopped onto his bed and closed his eyes.

He adamantly refused to think about what had happened with his cardigan.

The running and almost-climbing after Remus hadn’t helped. His chest ached like the dickens, and on top of that he still hadn’t checked on Virgil that night. He had to make sure that his teen was actually attempting to sleep instead of scrolling through Tumblr endlessly.

And… he had to thank him.

Groaning, he pushed himself up into his elbows, with every intention of going to check on his oldest son. 

Instead, he let himself fall back into the bed.

He was so tired. Maybe he could just fall asleep here, in his bed, and leave today behind.

But he knew he needed to check on his son. So he dragged himself out of the bedroom and up the stairs, slowly, the fastest he could force himself to move. Every step was its own battle to be fought, and on each one he considered giving up. But the guilt of leaving Virgil alone upstairs for this long already, along with the dread of dealing with the teen the next morning if he didn’t go to sleep, pushed him forward.

Finally, he was at his son’s door.

He knocked lightly on the wood.

“Hey, Virge?” He called softly. “Are you still awake, kiddo?”

No answer. He was probably wearing his noise-cancelling headphones again. He had had a panic attack earlier. So Patton pulled his facial muscles into a smile and turned the handle, pushing open the door.

Sure enough, Virgil was sitting against the headboard, headphones firmly over his ears and eyes screwed shut. His hands were busy fiddling with a small black stim cube.

Patton walked around the bed until he was at his son’s side. Slowly, he reached out to stroke his hair, letting him know he was there. It was soft, much like Logan’s had been. 

Everything seemed to be reminding him of Logan today. 

Virgil jumped, eyes flying open, but he relaxed when he saw it was Patton. He set the stim cube aside and took off his headphones.

“Hey, dad,” he said quietly, and Patton followed his lead with his own volume.

“Hey, kiddo,” he said, giving him the best smile he could muster. 

“What’s the matter?” Virgil asked.

Patton eased his weight onto the bed. “Nothing, Virge, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. You’re not in trouble at all.”

“Okay.”

He caught himself running his fingers over his cardigan, and stopped. “I wanted to say thanks for your help earlier,” he murmured. “I’ve been… dealing with a lot of things lately, and you were so mature and calm with me by the tree. So, thank you.”

Virgil’s face fell microscopically, but Patton still saw it. 

“It’s fine,” he said, but Patton shook his head.

“No, I don’t think it is, and that’s okay. You can tell me these things, Virgil. I’m not going to be mad unless you’re hurting someone. You’re still a kid; you really shouldn’t have to do these sorts of things, but you do anyway, without me asking. That’s why I wanted to thank you, because you don’t have to.”

He watched his son, taking in his changing expressions. Finally, he seemed to settle on relief. 

“Thanks, dad,” he said, and leaned over to hug him. Patton gladly returned the embrace, holding him tight, and waiting until Virgil leaned back to let go. “I think I needed that.”

“You’re a good kiddo, Virge,” Patton said. “And I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” He went on, aware of the cliche but wanting to say it anyway. “If there’s something bothering you?”

Virgil looked down at his lap. He started to pick at his nails, and Patton wordlessly handed him his stim cube. Once his hands were occupied with pressing buttons, Virgil sucked in a breath, hesitating. Patton waited patiently, and after a moment he started to talk. Words rushed out of his mouth like water from a tap.

“Okay, so there actually is something. Um, it’s about the twins. So, I know today was… yeah, but before dinner, when I was sitting under the tree? I really needed to be alone right then, so I had been in my room, but I had to come outside because Roman and Remus kept barging in and being really loud with one of their games. I was already not feeling great, and that made it worse, but then they followed me outside. And that sort of thing has been happening a lot lately.”

Patton’s heart sank. “It has?”

Virgil nodded, still not looking up. “Yeah. I love them, I really do, and they can be fun sometimes, but I can never get a moment alone anymore. No matter where I go, they’re following me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Oh, Virgil,” Patton said, “I’m so sorry.” The tears were trying to reappear, but he bit his lip and shoved them down. “And that’s making your anxiety worse?”

Virgil nodded reluctantly. “The attacks last longer. I promised Susan I’d tell you,” he said. “She said if it was that much of a problem, then it was important for you to know as a parent.”

Patton pasted on a hasty smile. “She’s right, kiddo. It sounds like she’s been a good therapist so far. And I‘ll try to make sure the twins leave you alone going forward, okay? You do so much already, you deserve your alone time without being interrupted.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Virgil looked sheepish as he looked up, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a sheepish half-smile. “Sorry anyway.”

“Hey, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one responsible for your brothers, remember? It’s not your job to rein them in.”

It was Patton’s job. That was his whole responsibility as a parent, to keep an eye on his children, and he clearly hadn’t been doing it. Seeing his oldest son have days like this- nervous, stressed, pushed to his limits- made him feel like that much more of a failure. Virgil was missing out guidance and quality time so Patton could try and do everything else, without even getting anything back.

Patton wasn’t performing his parental duties. He was letting down his family. Letting down  Logan.

How incapable was he, if he had to rely so heavily on one of his own children just to get by?

“You shouldn’t have to watch the twins and have all this pressure on you,” he said, talking past the tears that were starting to well up. “Tell you what. I’ll do better with Rem and Ro from now on. I promised them we’d go to the park tomorrow, so why don’t you stay home when we do?”

Virgil’s eyes widened. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’ll be quiet, and you can do whatever you want for a few hours. You deserve it, kiddo. And maybe next time you go in to see Susan, I can come with you, and we can discuss this more with her and hash out the details. Would you be okay with that?”

“I think that’d be fine,” Virgil said, and the pure relief Patton saw was both a comfort and a punch in the gut. 

“Then it’s a date!” Patton declared, ruffling Virgil’s hair affectionately. “You get the house to yourself and I get the twins, it’s a win-win!”

Virgil chuckled, but before Patton could make a joke, something seemed to occur to him, dimming his eyes and making his face fall. He dropped his gaze again, fixating back on his cube.

“I wish Pa was here,” he said quietly. “It’s just… it’d be nice to have him come meet with Susan, too, or be at home with me, you know?”

The cardigan around Patton’s shoulders had never been heavier.

“I do, Virge,” he whispered, putting an arm around his son and pulling him carefully into his side. “I know it’s hard.”

“I miss him, Dad.”

A tear dropped onto his cheek, and he hurried to wipe it away with his free hand before Virgil could notice anything was wrong. “So do I, kiddo.”

He wanted, more than anything else, to tell Virgil how proud Logan would’ve been of him. How Logan would’ve been able to be a better parent right now than Patton was, and how much Virgil deserved that. But his voice was choked by sorrow and tears, and it wouldn’t speak the words he needed to say.

Just the latest, he supposed bitterly, in his latest line of failures.

———-

Lying in his bed later than night, after checking to make sure Remus and Roman were really sleeping and finally taking off his binder, Patton couldn’t quiet his thoughts. All he could think about was the exhaustion in Virgil’s face and the sadness in his eyes. 

Deep down, a part of him knew it was all his own fault.

Before he knew it, he was crying yet again. He could handle his boys, he knew he could. He loved them more than the whole world, and he wouldn’t give them up for anything. But when each and every day was a constant battle, balancing work and meals and babysitting and supervising and quality time and a dozen other things, his own self-care had to take a backseat. And no matter what he did, he never seemed to be able to take a moment to relax. Which led to things like what had happened that evening, when he lost the battle to keep track of everything and it all just fell apart.

Logan had always been better at these things. With the serious topics and the difficult conversations; with everything that Patton struggled with. Logan would’ve helped him figure out the best day to take off of work to go in with Virgil and talk to his therapist, and where to pick up hours to make up for it. Patton would’ve reminded him of where the office was, and how Virgil liked when they took the long way home after a session. Together, they had been a perfect team, able to take on anything life threw at them. But now…

The thought of calling either his friend Thomas or Emile crept into his mind, just for a moment. It would be so easy to pick up his phone and dial either of them, to spill everything that was happening, to ask for help. Something twisted in his heart, all but screaming for him to do it. To ask Emile if he could babysit the twins for a weekend or sit down and talk to Virgil some afternoon. To see if Thomas could pick Roman and Remus up from their after-school clubs so Patton could work an extra hour. It was such a tempting prospect...

He unlocked his phone, letting his finger hover over Emile’s contact, before the time caught his eye. It was past midnight, and his brother was almost definitely asleep by now. Either that, or rewatching a cartoon with Remy, and either way Patton couldn’t dream of bothering him.

He set the phone down with a sigh. It was probably for the best. Besides, if he had to call for more help, that would mean he was doing more of the same thing. Shirking his responsibilities and giving up on his kids. He couldn’t rely on his family forever, he needed to be able to handle this on his own! And his sons deserved to have a dad who could take care of them, who wouldn’t pawn them off on someone else or give up on them. He would  _ never  _ give up on his children.

Because doing that would mean giving up on Logan, in a way.

No. He would be there for his kids, no matter what it took. He would do anything for them. 

And tomorrow, he decided, would be the day he started making it up to them for all his failings. Tomorrow would be different.

He’d be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates to this fic will probably not be too frequent, because they’re going to be a good bit longer than what I’m used to, thanks to them being pre-outlined. But I’m looking forward to writing them, and if any of you are too, then thanks for being here and sticking with me and with this story!


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